Self Medicating.

I called to talk to the Doctor today to ask some questions about myself and Brett. Brett also went in to have some blood tests done, now that we're all paranoid that something can be wrong with you and you don't even know it.

I got the nurse on the phone that "helped" me before. The one that has Hashimoto's also. I told her that I wanted to know how this process works and if I needed to set an appointment for three weeks from now to discuss my levels or whatever. She said no. No. N-O. She started talking about my levels but I didn't understand her. So I asked her what they were anyway, and she told me, TSH 4.270 the first test. TSH 4.550 the second test. Which is not off by much. And T4s .98 which IS NORMAL. NORMAL. I told her about how the first week on my meds were amazing and how I felt so perfectly back to normal for me. She said, "Oh I know. It's just the bump of hormones that makes you feel good and then you go back to the way you were before." I am now crying my eyes out and probably will for a couple of months which is when they told me to come back in. Because I am not going back in to check my levels until June. JUNE. J.U.N.E.
J!
U!
N!
E!

She said my levels weren't that off so I need to be on a lower dosage. She said the doctor put me on them at all because they found I had Hashimotos and that Kevin is just trying to thwart it early on.

I am now faced with the fact that this horrible depression and anxiety and lethargy and overwhelm-ed-ness are my reality. For the rest of my life. And will only get worse. All I can say to you, dear reader, is that if you take your sweet and lovely reality for granted, there is a special place in my hell for you. Because not only am I jealous of you for functioning just fine but you don't even appreciate it. I am considering self medicating to a point where *I* feel better and say screw them for using some medical test to determine that and not whether or not I actually freaking feel any better. If I have to continue on like this I will fall the hell apart sometime at the end of April.

And I totally forgot to ask any and all questions related to Brett's tests I was so angry and upset. Sorry, B.

I should have known.

Since nothing can ever be easy, I should have known. The meds have stopped doing anything and I am back about where I started. I now can see exactly how this is going to go. I will take some meds, I will feel awesome until my body acclimates to the drugs and then I will feel myself slide back to where I was, almost. I will do this for a few months to get the hormone levels right. I do find I have a teensy bit more energy but I am not feeling like I did the first three or four days on the meds. I probably won't feel great all the time like that, but I won't feel back to the way I did entirely either. I will, after a roller coaster of emotion that won't be real, find myself a spot somewhere in the middle of awesome and totally in the toilet. So on the one hand I'm grateful there will be progression but on the other hand I have seen what it would be like to live in a total state of nirvanna and I won't get to have that as my every day reality. Do some people get to live like that every day? Do they know how lucky they are??

But I can't feel sorry for myself. I mean I *can* but I will be mad at myself if I do. It's not like I have cancer. At least so far. I had two moles come back iffy and they are being "watched". I told Brett that would figure. He said it would be the icing on my recent poop cake. I said I should just get Cancer, the Ebola virus, and pregnant with a Downs baby. He said that the baby part would be fine, since they are really sweet kids. I had to agree, that part would not be so bad. Especially since he agreed he would be the one to stay home and take care of it.