Wes and Ella: Day Seven.

I am no longer processing information well. I stopped for gas and fell asleep behind the wheel. I had my front door ajar and my mouth totally open. I woke up and saw some people staring at me, probably wondering if I was alive. I had a dream I died in a nuclear explosion last night. I felt my body fall away from me and I was at peace.

I had heard a couple of weeks ago while I was on set that Chelsey was in remission and while on set this week I found out she has another tumor. I took a break and called her and we cried and got caught up. I couldn't believe it had been over 3 weeks since we talked. In total she has gotten rid of four tumors. One in her brain, one in her lung, two in her spine. The new one is also in her spine and she has a bulge there that they are watching. She's responding well to an alkaline diet, whatever that is.

We had a bit of rare family drama that was a nightmare and a half but it was resolved. I had to bring down the hammer. I have a zero "mess with my kids" tolerance policy. No matter who you are. (To clarify, it was NOT Brett!! He's a great Dad.) That is as much as I'm going to go into it.

Today was a gorgeous day on set and I am learning things every day. I feel tired but so blessed. My assistant Jeramey is kicking hiney, working really hard. Things are coming together. I wish I had done certain things differently but there are also some things I am really proud of.

I need a full nights sleep and to get the art installation "yurt" done and then I will feel 100%. I'm in love with this process. We're making art.

Wes and Ella: Day One.

Everything on my body hurts. Art Dept went into overtime on Sat. 17.5 hours. And I didn't even get to clear out two locations because they locked up and I couldn't get in to clean them so I have to go tonight. I have slivers that I can't see. I wore Ebony stain splatter on my leg to church today. I fell soundly asleep in Sacrament. I accidentally wrote Bella's name on Brett's Father's Day card. I'm already behind on my massive schedule of things to do. My house is a royal total mess. I have nothing left in my budget but more props to get. Nancy told me (I think) she is recommending me as a teacher in some new Sunday School class but I didn't EVEN understand the conversation as it went. Are these my fingers?

I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

Wes and Ella

Today I grabbed lunch with Jules who is not only the only girl best friend that I have but pretty much the only girl best friend I have ever had. At least since High School. You can read Blondecanary.blogspot.com to find out about her, but it's not as awesome as who she is in real life. She is helping out with the graphic stuff for the film we start shooting in 2 days. (Gulp.) So we are talking about movies and if I may share her personal stuff with out her permission, we were sharing experiences we have had at the movies where we sat at the end of a film, even a mediocre one, and thought to ourselves...how? How does that become a part of my life? How do I get to do that? She is an actress of much rapport and talent so I can see how she can watch a film and think, I can do that. I look at a film and think, could I do that??

I'm about to find out. Last November I turned down doing a couple of films. I've made no secret of why, but I just couldn't bring myself so sign off. I agreed to do one film without reading the script because I know the filmmakers. The second film was shooting at the same time so I had to say no since I thought I was booked. Then I read the first fim's script. I couldn't get behind it. So I said no, again. This was not easy for the reason before mentioned. Not many people would recall this... (Julia did, which is a part of why we are good friends...the short hand is awesome) but when the film "Once" won Best Original Song at the Oscars, Glen Hansard said "Make art!" I remember taking in that moment. And thinking how great it was that a group of folks got together with little more than the desire to make art, and totally succeeded. This is why I'm doing Wes and Ella. And believe me, there have been times when I have not been sure how it is going to happen with the little time and money we have. An then I talked to Jules and she reminded me. I am doing it to make art. And yeah, I'm losing out on other work with the Rivetal crew that I love and yeah I'm getting paid less and working waaaay more hours, but I am doing it for reasons I can get behind. I want to shoot a lovely couple hopping on a train to nowhere and slow dancing in an industrial park and talking about death while folding laundry. I can't say why other than that I am hoping we make art.

Brett Merritt is the Bomb Dot Com.

And now for a public thank you. Thank you so much, Bret Merritt. I think I will cry for a couple of weeks every time I see you knowing that you think all of those nice things you wrote about me on your blog. The kids asked me to read it out loud to them and they seconded some points and gave me big hugs and made me cry even harder. That was the best Mother's Day gift I could ever, ever ask for and there is no way you could have guessed the kids would also be so cute about it and make it that much more special. I love you very much. I'm glad we're forever.

Insert Cheesy Theme Song Here.

We knew that in April we had to pay for our Jeep or we would risk paying huge lease penalties for being over our miles. We leased back when we had another good car and lived in SLC. Then that other car had issues, we moved to Provo, I started commuting and the mileage became just mountainous. So Brett did some research and found we had to pay off one of our debts in total because our debt to income ratio was just a hair over where it should be and we couldn't get a car loan. Now, we knew this was happening. We knew we had a deadline with the car. But we also knew we were going to Disneyland and we also knew we had our taxes coming up so we planed for those two things and I really just thought I had to let the chips fall where they may on the car thing. This is where I think paying tithing pays back in enormous ways. I could probably have sat down and calculated how to handle this situation in the same way I calculated and slowly saved for our Disney trip. But I really didn't. To be honest, It kept going out of my mind. Brett once texted me and said that we had a week to buy our car but I could not for the life of me picture how that was going to look, how that was going to happen. The day before we had to buy the Compass I got done with work and the thought came to me that I should stop by TMG and drop off some of my invoices. When I got there they said they had a check for me and a check for Brett. I had just gotten one in the mail a couple days before so I was shocked. I told them they couldn't possibly have another one for me since I had just gotten paid for three. The check I got in the mail had three invoice numbers on it so TMG had combined them into one BIG check. Which was unexpected. As was getting paid again so soon. (Keep in mind I'm on about a two month payment lag with TMG so I sometimes lose track of what's coming to me from two months ago...) I took the checks from TMG to the bank and that was when I noticed the checks were both under my name instead of one being for Brett like I thought. So we had one extra. I then asked for my savings balance which was HUGE. I asked how that could possibly be, and realized at the same time the teller said it out loud that we had gotten our tax return electronically. I also had another check auto-deposited that same day from Cosmic Pictures. I took it, put it all together and paid off the remaining balance to our consolidation loan that we had outstanding with our bank. After paying it off, they said Brett had the right debt to income ratio to turn around and get a car loan to pay off our lease. So on the very last day of our lease we dropped the consolidation loan payment that was almost 400 dollars and the car lease payment that was almost 400 and got one payment of 230.00 at a better rate. I know.

My friend Chelsey and I got together and started this website a while back. www.blackhoneyvintage.com We both love vintage to an insane degree and we had both always wanted to have a store. We were having fun getting everything going. About the same time we found that we were having trouble balancing lives and our families and friends (she's single) and our demanding full time jobs. Well her full time job at Adobe. My...sometimes full time job. I just found it interesting that for whatever reason I could not get anywhere on a business plan. I am getting used to the kinds of things like the story above occurring when something is meant to be. And there was that swimming upstream feeling instead of that happening without me feeling like what went down with the car. We both didn't have to say anything to one another we just both slowly ran out of steam trying to manage our lives. The web site sort of fell by the wayside. Then here we are down the road and I just found out I have this auto-immune disease and in the last month of feeling better I have wondered if the dream could come back to life. And then I got a text from Chelsey saying that she was starting chemo. I will respect her privacy and just say that she has a rare form of cancer and she is doing great considering. She sounds like she has a great doctor and her family and friends and ward are there for her. I'm so impressed with her strength. I am also amazed at how perfect God is. If we had not let the business idea drop...I don't know. I can just see that the idea was a good one but it wasn't in the cards. And a year ago it just faded away because it needed to and no ones feelings were hurt. I praise God. Once again. Only he can see around corners.

I have been adjusting my own meds. Like I said I might. I have been taking one and cutting one in half. I feel amazing. I am so grateful to everyone that said, in a nutshell, don't listen to the nurse...do what you need to do. I need to take 75mg. And it's meant everything. I haven't lost weight, but I don't cry in my sweats on the couch over a bowl of cereal every time I have a crappy day. If I don't feel great, I take it in stride and I find I feel great soon. My attitude is back to its normal unrealistic level. Meaning I still think I can do everything and accomplish everything and to a silly unrealistic level which is just the kind of irresponsible denial I like in myself.

The other day I saw on Facebook my cousin's status and it read something about how he felt that nothing ever seemed to work out for him. I felt like that all of the time about ten years ago. The mojo I have going on now is exactly what I always wanted and always wondered how to obtain. I had no idea that it was a blessing that came with following commandments. This is why we are given commandments. So that we can have this kind of flow. To hear Chelsey's story is further testimony about what happens when you turn your life around. She did. And not only has she caught this thing early but she has told me about six stories all intricately woven together about how she has been blessed with everything from medical insurance to having the money already in savings to use to pay her medical bills to having a ready collection of gorgeous vintage scarves. And her hair hasn't even fallen out, yet. I am in awe. I am amazed. I am baffled at how much God loves us. We give so little and get back 10,000 fold. I pay 10% but I have had the windows of heaven open up and dump blessings down on my family, just like is promised. I am happy to see where this next year leads. I'm grateful for Chelsey and ask you pray for her and that she will be strong through her treatments. And please also pray for her roommate, her cousin Cat. Cat watched her father die of cancer. It's a lot to go through again for her. Especially since there are two other members of their family with cancer. It's been a tough year for them.

As for our little family we are excited for Disneyland coming up and celebrating Bella's Birthday there, Brett's Birthday in Vegas, our 4 year Anniversary in June. With all of this going on I'll try and check back in here before August.

Self Medicating.

I called to talk to the Doctor today to ask some questions about myself and Brett. Brett also went in to have some blood tests done, now that we're all paranoid that something can be wrong with you and you don't even know it.

I got the nurse on the phone that "helped" me before. The one that has Hashimoto's also. I told her that I wanted to know how this process works and if I needed to set an appointment for three weeks from now to discuss my levels or whatever. She said no. No. N-O. She started talking about my levels but I didn't understand her. So I asked her what they were anyway, and she told me, TSH 4.270 the first test. TSH 4.550 the second test. Which is not off by much. And T4s .98 which IS NORMAL. NORMAL. I told her about how the first week on my meds were amazing and how I felt so perfectly back to normal for me. She said, "Oh I know. It's just the bump of hormones that makes you feel good and then you go back to the way you were before." I am now crying my eyes out and probably will for a couple of months which is when they told me to come back in. Because I am not going back in to check my levels until June. JUNE. J.U.N.E.
J!
U!
N!
E!

She said my levels weren't that off so I need to be on a lower dosage. She said the doctor put me on them at all because they found I had Hashimotos and that Kevin is just trying to thwart it early on.

I am now faced with the fact that this horrible depression and anxiety and lethargy and overwhelm-ed-ness are my reality. For the rest of my life. And will only get worse. All I can say to you, dear reader, is that if you take your sweet and lovely reality for granted, there is a special place in my hell for you. Because not only am I jealous of you for functioning just fine but you don't even appreciate it. I am considering self medicating to a point where *I* feel better and say screw them for using some medical test to determine that and not whether or not I actually freaking feel any better. If I have to continue on like this I will fall the hell apart sometime at the end of April.

And I totally forgot to ask any and all questions related to Brett's tests I was so angry and upset. Sorry, B.

I should have known.

Since nothing can ever be easy, I should have known. The meds have stopped doing anything and I am back about where I started. I now can see exactly how this is going to go. I will take some meds, I will feel awesome until my body acclimates to the drugs and then I will feel myself slide back to where I was, almost. I will do this for a few months to get the hormone levels right. I do find I have a teensy bit more energy but I am not feeling like I did the first three or four days on the meds. I probably won't feel great all the time like that, but I won't feel back to the way I did entirely either. I will, after a roller coaster of emotion that won't be real, find myself a spot somewhere in the middle of awesome and totally in the toilet. So on the one hand I'm grateful there will be progression but on the other hand I have seen what it would be like to live in a total state of nirvanna and I won't get to have that as my every day reality. Do some people get to live like that every day? Do they know how lucky they are??

But I can't feel sorry for myself. I mean I *can* but I will be mad at myself if I do. It's not like I have cancer. At least so far. I had two moles come back iffy and they are being "watched". I told Brett that would figure. He said it would be the icing on my recent poop cake. I said I should just get Cancer, the Ebola virus, and pregnant with a Downs baby. He said that the baby part would be fine, since they are really sweet kids. I had to agree, that part would not be so bad. Especially since he agreed he would be the one to stay home and take care of it.