Twitterpated

So if you aren't aware of it yet there is this thing everyone is all excited about called Twitter. And it's as fun as they say, if you like that sort of thing. By that sort of thing I mean chat rooms. Remember when entering a chat room meant there was a flowing stream of funny things people were saying back and forth and you could pick up a line that sounded interesting and catch the rest of the thread and follow it for a while to your own amusement? And remember how you could jump in with silly comments wherever you wanted and specify who the line was aimed at? And remember making friends with total strangers you had never seen before in real life? Combine those old ideals of yore with newer "Facebook-ian" concepts like status updates that are kept under a certain amount of characters, followers, and a profile page and you have Twitter. Here are some reasons why Twitter is the best thing ever in my opinion.
Best. Thing. Ever.

Emmie ( aka stage_left) tweets this: Every day at lunch I walk by a homeless woman who carries a ventriloquist dummy. Today the dummy was wearing big sunglasses

And Brett responds: @stage_left Wow, Rachel Zoe really is dressing everybody.

Oh, I lol-ed in my pants.

Our cat and dog have accounts and fight via twitter.

NigelPugmann tweets:@janefelini You're so lame that when you want to walk somewhere you can't.

Janefelini tweets back:@nigelpugmann Dude, Pew! What dies inside of your ears? Besides your brains?

Nigel tweets back: @janefelini My dreams of being an only pet again one day.

My secret favorite Tweeter, HotAmishChick: Do you know what touches my bum? My unbraided hair. Also, goats. Every. Day. THIS IS NOT A SELLING POINT, GOATS.

Or: In trouble. Jedidiah and I made a snowman. Accused of making a false idol. The bat wings may have been a bit much.

And: I just dressed my pony with a spare bonnet and apron. It's actually really disturbing. I'm going to get Jedidiah!

Finally: If one was so inclined, one could do a lot of damage with a pair of knitting needles. If one was so inclined. (Smile. Smile. Smile.)

Also there are these spontaneous theme tweets that go around. Like one day everyone started Tweeting fake animal facts, or #fakeanimalfacts. Another day it was nerd pick-up lines, or #nerdpickuplines. Amish pick up lines... You get the gist.

Fake animal facts sample: Bears always write text messages in FULL CAPS.

And:A newly born kitten has the absorbency equivalent of a car sponge.

So I made up: The star nosed mole was in fact named such after his eleventh rhinoplasty.

And: Reported sightings of the yeti crab are often questioned by authorities, photos of the animal are scrutinized for accuracy.

Sample of nerd pick-up lines: "you're a perfect 2 in binary." or: "on a 2-digit non two's complement binary number you're a 3."

So Brett made up: Why don't you come back to my place and break my code ...

Some great Amish pick-up lines: Do you like pancakes and living an austere life without modern conveniences?

My fav: My mother spoke to your mother and now I'm supposed to speak to you.

And finally: I'd like to grow my beard for you. #amishpickuplines (True story! For reals!)

Also people send out great things they find, like these gems...



Or:




Literal Videos are another new love found through Twitter. These were yanked off Youtube for licensing issues, imagine that. You must see them. I love, love, love the Tears for Fears one.

If you have not before had the unidentified longing to join a big fat community of smart mouths, then this may not be for you. If you sat in the back of class and thought of as many hilarious critical remarks as possible in a one hour period about your drivers-ed teacher, JOIN US! We haven't grown up either.

I know I know.

I am way late with the kitchen make-over pictures. We are pretty darn close to having them up. But thanks for asking to see them, friends. I really appreciate it.

To take up time on another subject I would like to make a list. I know! These lists are going around Facebook, in case you are dead. This next list is the frequently referred to around my house in casual conversation list of stuff that inexplicably pisses me off. Not in any order.

The term "Skill Set." Like you've got a little box on your desk that you can open up if you need to pull out your skills and use 'em.
Words pronounced super incorrectly. Libary. Febuary. Fermilliar. Inneresting. Honorable mention goes to duck tape. It's for ducts. Duct tape. But whatever, it's hard to pronounce and now there is a Duck Tape brand tape. You're off the hook.
Animals in clothes for pictures. Seeing a pup in a sweater in an old ladies car can be kind of cute. Seeing a Bulldog in a Hawaiian shirt and big crazy sunglasses next to a coconut umbrella drink for some dog calendar makes me want to punch someone in the face.
The drug Abilify. "I feel like I could use a drug that would help me to Ablify myself. I will ask my doctor about it."
Sentences that include 'the but hole'. "You are so great, but..." Everything said directly before 'but' goes right down the hole.
Indirect communication. In '07 our nanny told me upfront that she wasn't going to claim the money we paid her on her taxes. I told her that what she did, or didn't do, was none of my business. She later quit when I filed her on mine, however, claiming I had agreed not to and was a big liar. I was so confused. Apparently we had had an entire conversation in her mind that I wasn't aware I was a part of.
Mashed up words used for marketing purposes. Funtastic. Delishalistic. Abilify.
Fantasy. Mainly because of all of the made-up mashed up names. "Oh, no Captain, the Mezalflix Empire has portioned their towpedocons to max-weponary overload thrust." "Begin conflarb sequence, Lt Allemartian, and duct tape your blumarlinon for heaven's sake."
Babies dressed as angels for pictures. Angels aren't cute little dress-up characters, they represent dead people, people. You want pictures of what your dead angel baby would look like on your wall?
Skinny comments. You'd never say, "Wow, you are soooo fat! Stop eating that already!" to someone I assume. So why would you ever think it's OK to say, "Oh my gosh you look emaciated! Do you even eat?" to someone's face like it's a compliment?
The Snugie. It's a backwards robe. Do you think a guy came back from surgery and thought, "This blood covered smock is so warm and snuggie, I will market this item and quit my career as a surgeon"?
That weird two finger snap that guys learn on South American missions. You look like a tool.
"Keeping it real" You sound like a tool.
Big meat headed muscle men staring at themselves at the gym. You are a tool. Heaven forbid you should also say you are just "Keeping it real." You'd be the Tool Master.
Tigger. Dial it down, dude.