Friday, March 27, 2009

Testing, Testing...

So I have not blogged in a long while. I think I'm depressed. I think it's the weather, the fact I have been holed up sick with the kids for two months and the weather. I gained more weight this winter than ever and at the risk of over sharing I have had some "hormonal issues". So my Aunt and Mom concocted this secret plan to take me to go get tested. By a homeopathic doctor.

Now, allow me to explain something about this. I think this kind of stuff is crap. My whole family has been into some serious weirdness (like muscle testing and energy balancing) and I think I have a very sensitive BS-omiter. My gay-dar is broken but I have a great crap detector. And even still I was oddly into this idea. For starters my Aunt said she would cover the cost since she has a trade deal with the good doctor and secondly he gives you herbal drops. I hate stomaching vitamins, but drops sound easy! What can be the harm?

So today I go in and fill out a form about my life. And I am forced to think about my health issues and their timing in my life. Like why suddenly I started to get hay fever at 20. What happened when I was twenty? Let's see, I went through a rough break up with my first love and my Mom went gay and I started drinking. Huh. Check there.

After your symptom breakdown is on paper, you hold a little metal tube about four inches long that looks like a guitar slide in one hand, while he holds a laser pen thingy against little pressure points on your other hand. And then the thing makes some noises and you watch a little line go up. If it goes up the chart into the green area and stays there, you're cool. If it goes, booooooooooop and the line jumps over the green area there is something wrong. I have issues with my blood sugar, hormones, large intestine, and some light allergies.

After he does this a list of what you need is made up. One of the coolest parts was how his computer was linked up to show you the emotional impact these deficiencies have on you. Like for one symptom it read the corresponding thing I should take was Elm. Under Elm it read that the emotional outcome of missing this herb was feeling completely overwhelmed by my responsibilities. This is my current number one issue. I am sure it's a bit like reading a fortune, I mean who isn't overwhelmed by one's responsibilities, but unlike a fortune teller, all of the things he told me were 100% dead on. And my son and daughter were accurately pegged, also. (Aidan deeply needs encouragement and Bella came up as argumentative. It totally reminded me of the Mary Poppins measuring tape.)

I like that he said we were not bad off, really. He wasn't saying, "Oh, no! you guys need these thirteen things because you are all really bad off. That will be five hundred bucks." He was saying the opposite really. He just gave me two bottles of drops and my son, one bottle to help with his skin allergy. The end. To an extent I had the feeling my Mom was hoping we'd find the drops that would magically fix us all into peaceful, perfect, happy people, but alas, that did not happen. I think we'd need a real prescription for something like that. I think it's called Zoloft.


BrettM said...

I love you. And I love it when you write.

Shawn said...

Wow---this is interesting. I think that I should try this out---how does one find one of these thingy waving doctors?

stef j. said...

or prozac. yah. i think they both get the job done.

i too am really not into homeopathic medicine ... it's a nice idea and all, but, well, i just don't know