Monday, June 16, 2008

My Journey is an OK band from the 80's.

Right before Father's Day I found out my Father, Step-Mom and little Sister have been keeping from me that they don't believe in the church anymore and have not gone in two years. (My little sister over stated that because two years ago my dad was Sunday School President. So it must be just shy of two.) She is seventeen and had to tell me because the real adults were too busy basting themselves and stuffing themselves with seasoned bread crumbs. But it's all OK I am told, because they are on "A Journey".

I told my older sister about their lying to me for 2 years and leaving the church and she said, with a big grin on her face, "Awesome." I looked at her sideways and said, "I'm sorry?" And she said that she just meant it was great because it meant they were now on their journey. So two things, I had to be the bigger person and let it go in front of my kids. (Not that I believed a word of it, she secretly hates the church.) And there was that word again.

Father's Day is the special day I went on my first date with Trace, Bella's DNA donor. He, too had left the church and was on what he called a journey, to find his truth. He said he was happy I had found mine in the church because he had tried but couldn't. I told him we were going in different directions. He said we were both going in the same direction because we were both on journeys to find our truths. I gotta admit I didn't get it. During our short relationship he would periodically get upset at me for not allowing him the "blessing" of "helping" me. He then was kind enough to help me out of an apartment I had lined up. He then helped me out of a job interview. He said I should move my stuff into his garage and hang out at his house and let him help me some more. He helped me get pregnant and then he helped me hate myself every hour of every day for the next three years after he bailed and proceeded to make decisions that were all about him and his life journey which included anything and everything he could think of without bounds to try and save himself any negative outcome. Financially, emotionally, socially. And at my expense if necessary. Or my girl's. He does "help" remind me that the church is 100% true, however. Because the year I started to come back to church HE is what Satan tried to throw at me. A person and his Journey.

I guess some people get tired of church service and want to do other things like sit down and concentrate really hard on themselves. Because it's really, really important to think for long periods of time about yourself in order to find your truth. So that when you're faced with a decision you know exactly how you should act in order to be true to yourself, to try and create outcomes that you need to have happen in order to make things better for you. So that you're happy. On your journey.

If your journey to find your truth means you're doing things like lying to your family or leaving a pivotal life situation that you helped create...then your truth is full of shit.

I've never been interested in my truth, I am interested in THE truth. God's truth. Unconditionally, I just asked for his truth, whatever it may be. And now the question of truth is to me never in question. All together, "Don't stop...believe-n."

7 comments:

The Bakers said...

Journeys. I had a friend who went on a journey to find the truth about whether or not she needed the church to be a good person but mostly because she wanted permission to sleep around and get drunk. Then after swearing off the truth, she met some guy who "helped" her to decide that her journey should end back in the church. Hmmm...
So sorry to hear about your family...went through much of the same thing with all four of my siblings. Just keep praying for that happy ending.

Shawn said...

Hey there.
My daughter is going on a journey also. And it breaks my heart. It is somehow harder when it is your own children that turn away from the gospel...it feels like your fault.
She says that she just needs some time to not feel guilty... So, I guess that means that after she loses the Holy Ghost, she will get her wish. I feel for you. I never stop praying for my kids----I was the one that got a divorce from their abusive Dad, so I guess I caused the upheaval in our family.
I guess that I just try not to judge anymore and just love my little family....no matter what journey they are on...

Ken said...

Amelia,

I've just barely found your blog, and I've been reading it tonight and laughing and admiring your writing and being completely enthralled. And I don't have any wonderful insight into this post, but I think YOU are wonderful and the best example for your family.

Ken

Jennifer Latimer said...

Amelia...I LOVE YOU. I love that you can put it out there so candidly. I miss thee

Jewels said...

Hi there - friend of Hannah's and Thillionaire with Brett. I'm so sorry to hear about your family - I totally side with you on the whole 'journey' thing. The girl that Hannah is talking about had that same excuse. And when I wouldn't support her lame-a choices she decided that I wasn't a good friend. And yes, she did come back to the Church and praises those who stood by her and who don't judge her for her 'past'. Let me tell you something, when you pre-meditate your 'past', not sure that really counts. It sounds like you are solid and have your heart in the right place. It doesn't make it easier, but at least you know the Truth. Wow...a bit heavy for a first comment!

Amelia Merritt said...

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate that you all seem to hear where I'm coming from. If you hear some irritability from me in this post it may help to know this has been going on my whole life with them. My Step-Mom was Exed and came back, and my Dad has gone back and forth with both of his wifes his entire adult life so it's like, here we go again...

Shawn. I hear you on the just love them thing. I have learned as I get older the delicate balance between being judgmental and using good judgment. My judgment tells me this is a spiral of disaster. Especially with my teen aged sister. She's already in need of good old fashioned stability at this time of her life and this doesn't help. So I can be there for them but I am ultra careful that it not at any spiritual expense. I had to learn that the ultra hard way. (Ahem, the Bella's Dad thingy...Etc.)

Hailey said...

How about when your family members' journeys result in them never returning a phone call or e-mail in YEARS and also they have never SEEN or asked about your one and a half year old twins.

I'm not bitter, just pissed. I hate journeys. But what do I know? I'm not cool, you know, because I'm just a conforming Utah housewife who has CLEARLY been brainwashed...