Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Murder at the Merritt's.

Bella and her friends got along well yesterday.  They pretended that they were a family of chefs that had a couple kids, in the form of Bell's baby dolls.  I was getting ready for my big date with Brett.  When it came time to leave we just kicked the girls out and sent Bella with the sitter to go bowling.

This morning Bell brings me some little pieces of pink plastic from the backyard and asks what they are.  I can tell she knows they mean something but can't place their importance. This is not new, there are pieces of things strewn all over our backyard.  Purple Styrofoam noodle bits, water guns, shredded pool balls.  You name it and our dill-hole dog has shredded it and strewn it about the lawn.  (No one ever told me this about Pugs.  And I asked a lot of people about them.  For seven years.)  So she places the pink things in my palm and I turn them over noticing they are softer than the usual stuff Pugmann finds to chew up.  And it's a nose and an ear.  And I scream like it's really a detached human face I'm holding.  Because...
Brett and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now.  I joke with everyone that we are getting divorced because I am incapable of conceiving a child with someone I'm actually married to.  But I got Bella this little baby doll that I fell in love with.  She looked and felt real and said cute things in a cute and not annoying voice, like, "Mama?  Mama. Dada? Dada."  And then she'd laugh.  And she sucked on a baba and went to sleep and breathed deeply and her chest would rise and fall while her eyes would close and she'd look so peaceful.  And that is what the dog ate.  He ate my baby's face.  
So I told Brett when he came home for lunch that we knew harm had befallen Baby but we didn't know what the animal did with her body.  Brett looked around and found her face down in the basement like Jon-Benet.  Without the garroting.  Or pineapple in her stomach.  But I digress.  So I pick her up and brought her upstairs, not thinking about leaving a pristine crime scene, again paralleling nearly exactly the Jon-Benet case.  And I show Brett her face.  Brett asks Bella if she wants to see baby before she goes night night forever.  I mouth, "NO!"  And whisper that it will traumatize her.  He covers Baby's open mechanical face with his hand and lets her kiss the top of her head.  I wrap her in an old rug and throw her in the garbage can outside.  Now paralleling the crazy Utah County case from a few years back where the husband got caught in a web of lies and killed his wife and threw her out in a rug in an attempt to keep from their families that he didn't get into Med School.  (Guess what?  They found out, dip shizzle!  And also, good call unnamed med school.  He obviously wouldn't have handled the pressure.)

So the dingo ate my baby and now the dingo is roaming free in the neighborhood somewhere avoiding prosecution.  He better make a break for Mexico.

6 comments:

BrettM said...

Disturbingly funny. I was sad that you left out the part about how you had to wrap the baby in the rug that also got ruined and throw them into the trash can, like an episode of the Sopranos.

Amelia Merritt said...

Well I did mention I put her in a old rug and threw her in the trash. But it reminded me of the other story and I forgot about the Sopranos reference.

Jewels said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I will laugh first because you are hilarious. But know that a single tear shall fall - I'm not totally heartless!

The Bakers said...

Ahhhh! Such...flashing...memories...of dismembered...chewed on...Barbie Hands...coming and going...chopped hair...shredded plastic too-tiny torsos...make it stop!!

Shawn said...

OOOHHHHHH, NOOOOOO!! I would definitely be freaked out if my doggies chewed up a baby doll. Luckily, I have only my dear boy, so they have to be content to chew up Lego creations----not so traumatic...

Sorry I missed meeting you when I was there---someday, I hope---I feel I know you already and I adore Brett, so I know I would adore you!

Hailey said...

I love that story and I love your future baby...