How to lose five pounds in one week.

Pretend like you say, "Hey, Amelia what have you been up to?"
And I answer, "Painting 400 sq feet of floor, that was covered in tar adhesive, until one in the morning for three days straight."
And you're like, "No way!"
And I go, "Yeah, I did. My 5 year old took pics. Wanna see 'em?"
And you go, "Sure!"




"Gee!" You say. "That looks hard."
I'm all modest so I go, "Naw, not really."
"How did it turn out?"
"Oh, Like this..."

And I'm like, "But don't even worry, we coated it with 2 coats of garage sealant to make it nice and tough. So it lasted all of thirty seconds until we moved the furniture in and ripped the paint off the floor in about ten places."
And like, you don't know what to say about that.
And then I start to cry and stuff.
And then you feel uncomfortable, and I feel bad I made you feel uncomfortable, so then I tell you all about our trip to Lagoon instead.



And then I tell you how I call this my Swim Gown, because it is one. And how I was easily the flattest woman under 39 there. (You laugh. But I can tell it's tinged with pity.)


And here is where you tell me how it looks like my kid is frisking his business through his pockets and I get all embarrassed because he totally is.

And then I tell you how my favorite part of the day was that my kids LOVED pioneer village and could have spent 3 hours there. And you get all jealous cause your kids would rather ride rides and eat cotton candy until they puke off the Jet Star 2.
And I'm like, "Wow...weird."
And then I wind it all up with my saying it was fun to see Jared and have him over and the in-laws are all so fun and we had a really, really good time bonding. So we say goodbye feeling good at the end of our chat. And I don't realize until after you leave I forgot to mention I lost 5 pounds with all of this activity going on. But then I realize that it's probably for the best that I didn't bring it up, 'cause that's super braggy to say and stuff.