Testing, Testing...

So I have not blogged in a long while. I think I'm depressed. I think it's the weather, the fact I have been holed up sick with the kids for two months and the weather. I gained more weight this winter than ever and at the risk of over sharing I have had some "hormonal issues". So my Aunt and Mom concocted this secret plan to take me to go get tested. By a homeopathic doctor.

Now, allow me to explain something about this. I think this kind of stuff is crap. My whole family has been into some serious weirdness (like muscle testing and energy balancing) and I think I have a very sensitive BS-omiter. My gay-dar is broken but I have a great crap detector. And even still I was oddly into this idea. For starters my Aunt said she would cover the cost since she has a trade deal with the good doctor and secondly he gives you herbal drops. I hate stomaching vitamins, but drops sound easy! What can be the harm?

So today I go in and fill out a form about my life. And I am forced to think about my health issues and their timing in my life. Like why suddenly I started to get hay fever at 20. What happened when I was twenty? Let's see, I went through a rough break up with my first love and my Mom went gay and I started drinking. Huh. Check there.

After your symptom breakdown is on paper, you hold a little metal tube about four inches long that looks like a guitar slide in one hand, while he holds a laser pen thingy against little pressure points on your other hand. And then the thing makes some noises and you watch a little line go up. If it goes up the chart into the green area and stays there, you're cool. If it goes, booooooooooop and the line jumps over the green area there is something wrong. I have issues with my blood sugar, hormones, large intestine, and some light allergies.

After he does this a list of what you need is made up. One of the coolest parts was how his computer was linked up to show you the emotional impact these deficiencies have on you. Like for one symptom it read the corresponding thing I should take was Elm. Under Elm it read that the emotional outcome of missing this herb was feeling completely overwhelmed by my responsibilities. This is my current number one issue. I am sure it's a bit like reading a fortune, I mean who isn't overwhelmed by one's responsibilities, but unlike a fortune teller, all of the things he told me were 100% dead on. And my son and daughter were accurately pegged, also. (Aidan deeply needs encouragement and Bella came up as argumentative. It totally reminded me of the Mary Poppins measuring tape.)

I like that he said we were not bad off, really. He wasn't saying, "Oh, no! you guys need these thirteen things because you are all really bad off. That will be five hundred bucks." He was saying the opposite really. He just gave me two bottles of drops and my son, one bottle to help with his skin allergy. The end. To an extent I had the feeling my Mom was hoping we'd find the drops that would magically fix us all into peaceful, perfect, happy people, but alas, that did not happen. I think we'd need a real prescription for something like that. I think it's called Zoloft.

Twitterpated

So if you aren't aware of it yet there is this thing everyone is all excited about called Twitter. And it's as fun as they say, if you like that sort of thing. By that sort of thing I mean chat rooms. Remember when entering a chat room meant there was a flowing stream of funny things people were saying back and forth and you could pick up a line that sounded interesting and catch the rest of the thread and follow it for a while to your own amusement? And remember how you could jump in with silly comments wherever you wanted and specify who the line was aimed at? And remember making friends with total strangers you had never seen before in real life? Combine those old ideals of yore with newer "Facebook-ian" concepts like status updates that are kept under a certain amount of characters, followers, and a profile page and you have Twitter. Here are some reasons why Twitter is the best thing ever in my opinion.
Best. Thing. Ever.

Emmie ( aka stage_left) tweets this: Every day at lunch I walk by a homeless woman who carries a ventriloquist dummy. Today the dummy was wearing big sunglasses

And Brett responds: @stage_left Wow, Rachel Zoe really is dressing everybody.

Oh, I lol-ed in my pants.

Our cat and dog have accounts and fight via twitter.

NigelPugmann tweets:@janefelini You're so lame that when you want to walk somewhere you can't.

Janefelini tweets back:@nigelpugmann Dude, Pew! What dies inside of your ears? Besides your brains?

Nigel tweets back: @janefelini My dreams of being an only pet again one day.

My secret favorite Tweeter, HotAmishChick: Do you know what touches my bum? My unbraided hair. Also, goats. Every. Day. THIS IS NOT A SELLING POINT, GOATS.

Or: In trouble. Jedidiah and I made a snowman. Accused of making a false idol. The bat wings may have been a bit much.

And: I just dressed my pony with a spare bonnet and apron. It's actually really disturbing. I'm going to get Jedidiah!

Finally: If one was so inclined, one could do a lot of damage with a pair of knitting needles. If one was so inclined. (Smile. Smile. Smile.)

Also there are these spontaneous theme tweets that go around. Like one day everyone started Tweeting fake animal facts, or #fakeanimalfacts. Another day it was nerd pick-up lines, or #nerdpickuplines. Amish pick up lines... You get the gist.

Fake animal facts sample: Bears always write text messages in FULL CAPS.

And:A newly born kitten has the absorbency equivalent of a car sponge.

So I made up: The star nosed mole was in fact named such after his eleventh rhinoplasty.

And: Reported sightings of the yeti crab are often questioned by authorities, photos of the animal are scrutinized for accuracy.

Sample of nerd pick-up lines: "you're a perfect 2 in binary." or: "on a 2-digit non two's complement binary number you're a 3."

So Brett made up: Why don't you come back to my place and break my code ...

Some great Amish pick-up lines: Do you like pancakes and living an austere life without modern conveniences?

My fav: My mother spoke to your mother and now I'm supposed to speak to you.

And finally: I'd like to grow my beard for you. #amishpickuplines (True story! For reals!)

Also people send out great things they find, like these gems...



Or:




Literal Videos are another new love found through Twitter. These were yanked off Youtube for licensing issues, imagine that. You must see them. I love, love, love the Tears for Fears one.

If you have not before had the unidentified longing to join a big fat community of smart mouths, then this may not be for you. If you sat in the back of class and thought of as many hilarious critical remarks as possible in a one hour period about your drivers-ed teacher, JOIN US! We haven't grown up either.

I know I know.

I am way late with the kitchen make-over pictures. We are pretty darn close to having them up. But thanks for asking to see them, friends. I really appreciate it.

To take up time on another subject I would like to make a list. I know! These lists are going around Facebook, in case you are dead. This next list is the frequently referred to around my house in casual conversation list of stuff that inexplicably pisses me off. Not in any order.

The term "Skill Set." Like you've got a little box on your desk that you can open up if you need to pull out your skills and use 'em.
Words pronounced super incorrectly. Libary. Febuary. Fermilliar. Inneresting. Honorable mention goes to duck tape. It's for ducts. Duct tape. But whatever, it's hard to pronounce and now there is a Duck Tape brand tape. You're off the hook.
Animals in clothes for pictures. Seeing a pup in a sweater in an old ladies car can be kind of cute. Seeing a Bulldog in a Hawaiian shirt and big crazy sunglasses next to a coconut umbrella drink for some dog calendar makes me want to punch someone in the face.
The drug Abilify. "I feel like I could use a drug that would help me to Ablify myself. I will ask my doctor about it."
Sentences that include 'the but hole'. "You are so great, but..." Everything said directly before 'but' goes right down the hole.
Indirect communication. In '07 our nanny told me upfront that she wasn't going to claim the money we paid her on her taxes. I told her that what she did, or didn't do, was none of my business. She later quit when I filed her on mine, however, claiming I had agreed not to and was a big liar. I was so confused. Apparently we had had an entire conversation in her mind that I wasn't aware I was a part of.
Mashed up words used for marketing purposes. Funtastic. Delishalistic. Abilify.
Fantasy. Mainly because of all of the made-up mashed up names. "Oh, no Captain, the Mezalflix Empire has portioned their towpedocons to max-weponary overload thrust." "Begin conflarb sequence, Lt Allemartian, and duct tape your blumarlinon for heaven's sake."
Babies dressed as angels for pictures. Angels aren't cute little dress-up characters, they represent dead people, people. You want pictures of what your dead angel baby would look like on your wall?
Skinny comments. You'd never say, "Wow, you are soooo fat! Stop eating that already!" to someone I assume. So why would you ever think it's OK to say, "Oh my gosh you look emaciated! Do you even eat?" to someone's face like it's a compliment?
The Snugie. It's a backwards robe. Do you think a guy came back from surgery and thought, "This blood covered smock is so warm and snuggie, I will market this item and quit my career as a surgeon"?
That weird two finger snap that guys learn on South American missions. You look like a tool.
"Keeping it real" You sound like a tool.
Big meat headed muscle men staring at themselves at the gym. You are a tool. Heaven forbid you should also say you are just "Keeping it real." You'd be the Tool Master.
Tigger. Dial it down, dude.

Mulit-Master Creative Process.

SO. I'm stuck. Here is my jumbled mess of ideas and maybe blogging it out will help me sort through it. Feel free to throw in your two or three cents worth! Unfortunately, I am not finding things that I like that the gentleman with the last word also likes. He likes high gloss granite which is nice but t's also WAY too slick for my kitchen which is the room that spends April through October wet from the 50 neighborhood kids in the water in the backyard. We all know what that is like...



Keep in mind my kitchen is changing. On the wall that currently has the red flower picture, there will be this vintage wallpaper I found on Ebay in two big framed out boxes. The wall behind those trim boxes will be the bright green and then on the paneling and trim for the boxes, a darker green. My old wooden kitchen table is getting a coat of acid yellow and we are getting chairs I can WIPE clean this time, aluminum chairs from Sundance Catalog. The cabinet pulls I bought are just simple brushed silver and go with the industrial light already over the sink and the stainless appliances going in. Now that you can hopefully picture this, whattya think about these for tile? I really hope I can just go back there one more time to order and then never go back there again. My kids are sick of going to Contempo Tile and it's WAAAAY too close to the shooting deadline.




I would do this herringbone in a grey or brick color instead of creme.


I love this idea the most. I'm so into checkerboard because it can be any period, anywhere. It can be Moroccan Ballroom or London Hotel or 50's diner. I would do it in the two tiles in the bottom right corner, gray and black.

My two favorite styles here. I love this bottom style but I would do it in gray and black instead of browns. Or at least do the smaller boxes in dark gray or black. The warmth of the larger tiles could be kind of nice, really.

So there you have it. Sigh. I'm going to go over this another hundred times while I watch the Red Carpet re-cap.

The Before Multi Master Pictures.

This is what my kitchen looks like. And sad to say what it has looked like for about 6 weeks. Yes. Debris and all. I never bagged it up. I also never finished ripping out the particle board subfloor. (Yes, I know it's like a big fragile saltine cracker should it get soaked, that is why I'm tearing it out. Why do men think they have to mention this? Do they assume I'm tearing it out because my high heels put unsightly dents in it?)



The good news is that had I finished it, the Multi-Master folks wouldn't have been able to shoot in my house. Their tool is perfect for ripping out the last of my subfloor. They are also helping with that ledge thingie under the window, whatever it's called. Their tool will cut the broken tile out. I could cry with the happiness.

They are also grinding down the big thick crack in the unsightly plaster in my livingroom ceiling and doing a regular knock down texture. And one of the the mold walls downstairs will probably get a little dry wall and mudding but I'm not sure... I'll have some "before" pictures up of those, too, shortly. I want every one of my readers, you loyal few, to be able to see how awesome these people are and what they are doing for me. They could choose to rent a stage at like, K-Jazz Studios and build a set and show their stuff there, but they did not. They picked real people with real problems that this tool can fix because they are a bunch of super cool selfless dudes. So there.

Miracles and Meltdowns.

I have been going back to the gym with the attitude, "Let's agree to forgive and forget, Gold's Gym. I will do so if you help me get in shape for the Cancer Marathon in April. Which is bigger than us both and is a cause we can agree to team up for, right?"

WRONG. I get the kids ready and drive to their favorite Gold's location in Orem to be a cool Mom. Today for some reason is the day Gold's Orem decides I can't workout. They tell me the gym access pass is expired but I do have another year of daycare. So I'm back to square one...again. For those of you that have no idea what this is about, I will catch you up quickly. Last year Brett gave me a one year free pass! I had the gym employee sign me up for my year. I told him I would need a year daycare to go with and that I was happy to pay for that. He filled out two contracts, one Gym pass one Daycare pass. I look at the dates on the Gym pass and it's correct, for one year. I sign both. Later I am told that I have TWO years Daycare. I say, "No way! I asked for and signed a contract for one year."

NOPE! The guy put a two year date on the daycare. Why? Not sure. To get me to pay money for no reason for a service I can't utilize I guess. Or in other words to totally screw me.

So I go through the ringer. I go to corporate offices where they laugh me out the door with the attitude, "We don't care what you were told you were getting, the date is right there and there is your signature, so, *bird finger raised* there is the door." Everyone at Corporate offices I talk to gives me this same attitude. I also call Paramount Acceptance (that owns my contract) over and over to talk to a supervisor. I leave messages. One calls me back TWO WEEKS later and says, "This is Joanne *sigh* call me back at *rambles off number* click." Like she's pissed to get MY voicemail after I got hers half a dozen times. I talk to her, I talk to her supervisor. I talk to everyone. Nada. I give up. I quit going to the gym even though I have months left on both passes. Because I am pissed and angry every time I see Gold's. I decide to pay for it in full to sell on Craig's List. I find out, when I call to pay in full, that I have an account that shows two years of gym and daycare!! I ask multiple times if he is sure! Yep. He says he's 99% sure. HUZZAH! Oh glorious day someone must have helped me! Someone that I left a message with took pity on me and did the right thing and gave me the extra year as a consolation for all of the crap I've been through! I go back to Gold's with a forgiving heart after a very busy few months of work. I am going to get in shape and single handedly raise a billion dollars to fight cancer. All is well!

NOPE! Access Denied.

The blonde Gym Manager that wouldn't let me in was such a condescending human being. She said things out of half closed eyes like, "Well it seems simple to me but you obviously have gotten confused somewhere." I had to keep telling her I was NOT confused. That wasn't the problem. I seem to find CS people that think that explaining how things go down somehow equals customer service. Like, "If I just get you to understand how it all happened you will go away." It doesn't. I am not confused. I was there for how it went down and I can read your computer screen as well as you can. And when customers get upset, the goal of a Manager should not be to go out of their way to try and be "smarter" than the customer. It's not a contest.

She had me talk to a cool guy named Keola who was very calm and listened. He would look into doing the right thing and get back to me. So I am waiting.

Onto a couple new updates elsewhere...

1. I read CJane's update on her blog about people's comments. She has so many to deal with I guess it's her equivalent of customer relations, really. I would not ever imagine that she had to weed out rude comments. Guess what, she does. She put a few in her post. People called her selfish and self centered. Which I find HILARIOUS after everything her family has sacrificed in order to help out Nie. I mean, really. Some people are nuts. NUTS! Projection as a human condition should be taught in school along with Math and Science. Anis Nin says you see the world not as it is, but as you are. BINGO.

2. My producer friend called. (The one that took lots of pictures of our house for the info-mercial?) They liked our house. So they came by with a few more decision makers and did a Tech Scout. They liked our house. Then corporate guys flew in and they did another Tech Scout. They liked our house. So its official now, we just got word the week of Christmas. They will shoot in our house!! We supply the ugly before, they supply the lovely after. The extent of which has not been determined but the kitchen gets a whole overhaul for certain. The aesthetic decisions being made by me and their Art Director together. So we have a creative meeting to schedule and the rest of my January will be spent happily wheeling and dealing with the SUPER cool guys from Multi Master! I feel like they are my little mini-Extreme Home Make-Over team. I am SO grateful. It's a Christmas Miracle!!

I'm praying for another one from Gold's. That they will be calling me back with a free year of Gym access or give me my money back!! Why not, right? I'm pretty sure anything can happen after the Multi-Master Miracle.

KSL Ads of the Week.

I haven't seen anything really totally funny or bizarre in a while. I think they are on to me. Tonight I did find a few that made me smile.

$1500

Two rocking stationary sitting divices.

Sandy, UT 84070 - Dec 29, 2008

8014338###

Seller Contact Info

Contact Name:

Finnegan

801-433-8###

And why I loved it.

The item is both stationary AND rocking.
"Sitting divice"?? You mean a chair??
The guy obviously had to make up a description (for a porch rocker) because he had no idea what it was.
He is asking $1500 (!!) for this thing he can not identify.
Finnegan needs to begin again.

FREE ESTIMATE

MO******IN H**LS drywall

west jordan, UT 84088 - Dec 29, 2008

100% quality we do frame hang tape mud texter finish basement patch WORK RE-TEXTURE CEILING & WALL CRACKEd JOINTS & CORNERS POPPEd NAILS ANd CORNER BEAD WATER Damage Repairs new and old house remodeling we can fix anything around your house

Obviously these guys are going to do a quality, thorough job. Why, just look at their attention to detail.

Free

Got Buck?

Ogden, UT 84405 - Dec 29, 2008

Looking for a male pygmy goat, NOT neutered. Either to borrow for the winter to keep my girls company or I can take him outright if you're sick of the stench. Must be old enough to know what he's doing, bigger buck preferred. Must have horns.

Seller Contact Info

Contact Name:

Nadja

Home Phone:
801-555-####

WTF?




I just found this also via Google...

Loewestamm Company manufactures stylish accessories handcrafted from natural wood. Adhering to own philosophy, Loewestamm offers conceptual collections composed of wooden necklaces, wooden bracelets, wooden bangles, wooden earrings. Each product presented by the Loewestamm Company is hand-made and unique since there are no two identical pieces of wood. Increase Your art and fashion business proitability by completing Your collection with natural wooden jewellery from Loewestamm Design Company.